A bullet in the heart

1.

She is smiling. She is smiling to me because I’ve just made her laugh. I love her and she’ll probably never know. It is one of my latest chance to tell her but I won’t grab it since I’m scared. The funny thing is that I’m more scared about this than dying. She doesn’t know both of it right now so I can still look at her smiling. I know exactly how she would react about me not wanting to go to that war. First, she would get mad at me, telling me that for once I could keep my pride away, then she would try to convince me to go as it is my only way to survive and finally she woud be so upset that she would leave me here at that bar, alone. I don’t want that to happen but unfortunately it is happening :

“You’ve got to be kidding me. What you’re saying is that you’d rather die than fight? Right, I know it’s not your fight and that you don’t agree with our current society but you never did and you never did nothing about it either and believe me there are so many other ways to show your disagreement. I mean, come on, you don’t even demonstrate!”

“There is a world between not demonstrating and killing people.”

“Who tells you that you’re going to kill people? Maybe joining the Army is not so bad and you could help people there”.

“I don’t see any intentions of helping in a war. First thing to do to help these people is to stop that war and you know it.”

“Oh yeah and you think you’re going to stop it by not going? You won’t be a world saver but a coward who prefers to die.”

“Maybe my life is not worth a thousand ones.”

“And maybe there are people here who love you, but apparently you don’t so you’re right, go kill yourself.”

Those words echoed in my head. Do you love me? I can’t say that loud. She left as I predicted. How could she think that I don’t love her?

2.

She’s always been naïve in such a way that she was thinking the world could change one day. Unlike me, she believed in human being. I was convinced that everybody was resigned and won’t make one single step to protest against what is wrong in our society and some people wasn’t even aware that there is actually something wrong. I call them the”Asleep’s”. The Asleep’s aren’t curious and agree with everything that goes on Channel 4. Their ultimate goal and success in life is to have a well-paid job and a family with a white house and a green garden but if by any misfortune the grass happens to be greener in their neighbour’s garden, they’re not happy anymore. The system creates and cultivates the Asleep’s in order to make them more asleep than they already are, and this until the Earth will be filled of people completely dead inside.

The first time I mentioned the Asleep’s to her, she went upset as if I broke her dream but above all, she was scared to be one of them. She’s always been politically engaged and everytime she got the opportunity to do something against what she thought was wrong, she did it. But the world was still there, unsolved and unchanged. When somebody or something shows her that somehow the world is lost, it feels like a punch in her face. But she was quick to forget and get back on her feet. She had her own convictions and was decided to stick to it whatever happens. Now she’s asking me to do something which represents everything I hate in this world. She asking me to become one of the Asleep’s.

3.

I remember exactly the moment when I was called to join the Army. I knew it was going to happen but there was a little piece of my heart that was hoping they will forget about me. It reminds me at school when each pupil, one by one, had to stand in front of the entire class and recite a poem. I was sitting at my desk strongly hoping that the teacher will drop my name or the bell will ring just in time. And just like when I was six, the bell rang but this time I knew my turn was coming.

They explained to me that they needed people and everybody who was able to fight would be required. But most importantly, they said there was no way to decline the offer otherwise it would be a free ticket to death. They gave me one day to pack and say goodbye.

I was aware that the situation was getting very serious and I heard about one guy who refused to enroll and had been killed but I thought it was just a way to set the example - Society likes setting examples to show people how they have to behave so they could keep them under control – I never thought I was going to be one of the examples.

I took my decision right after they left my appartment, maybe even before. It wasn’t really about my convictions but more out of stubbornness. I had already questionned myself about whether or not I will take part of this armed conflict if requested and my answer, for obvious reasons, was no. Why would I change my mind now? Because they are threatening me? I know I’m right and I don’t want to take into account the fact that they are going to get rid of me, it would be too easy for them so I’ll be standing in their way.

4.

Saying goodbye is always a tough thing to do and it becomes even harder when you know you’re never going to have the chance to say hello again. I can’t imagine telling my parents my decision, they really don’t deserve this. They have worked their ass off to provide me a good quality of life like high education and I never went short of anything especially love. I am their only child and the simple idea of letting them down kills me more than my own death coming up. I always had this bad habit to do things in order to make them happy, I mean proud of me. Everytime I fail, I can’t help thinking about me disappointing them instead of being sad for myself. They never told me what I had to do with my own life and respected every decision I made but maybe this time I was going a little bit too far. I thought about all the different possibilities to break the news: giving them a phone call, writing a letter, asking someone to inform them or - and this would have been the one that suits me best – letting them ignore about it. The thing is, what kind of child would I be if my parents were hearing about my death in the newspaper? So I decided to visit them and tell them the truth.

I didn’t mention the reason of my visit because I wanted to see them happy for the last time of my life. And I was sure that once they know they would be inevitably sad, no matter how much I’ll ask them not to be. I fully enjoyed the moment. It felt so good to be at home, the only place where I’ve always felt safe at ten as well as at twenty. It was smelling cinnamon sticks because my mother was used to put one of them everywhere she could: in cakes, rice, tea, closets… It has this sweet and woody fragrance that everytime I smell it, it reminds me my childhood. My mother was a strong woman who lost her mother when she was twelve and become one at the same time as she had to take care of her three sisters. That is probably the reason why I am her only son. She never complained about her life and when she talked about it, it was always in a kind way. I remember one day when we had this conversation about what we would change in our respective lives and she told me that she wouldn’t change a thing, even if she were dying the next day. This was how she knew she was happy. I wish I could say the same thing today but I realized that there are so many things I have to do before I left this world forever.

Surprisingly, my parents understood my decision and stayed very calm in their reaction but I saw in my dad’s eyes that he was within a hair’s breadth of passing out. My mother was still in a state of shock but I knew that when it will hit her she would be completely depressed and unconsolable. Somehow they were agreeing with me but any parents could approve their child’s death. They said that I still had ten hours left to think about it carefully and make sure it was the right decision but they perflectly knew that I had already made up my mind.

Right before I left I had no idea of what I could say to them. Thanks for everything? I love you both? They already know all that stuff. I just came up with a simple “Goodbye” and a big hug.

5.

Now I have until the end of the day to do everything I haven’t done in my life and that I wish I had. Unfortunately it was too late for the big trip around the world I’ve always dreamed of. I can give myself thousands reasons for haven’t done it before:

- I was in school so I did not have a lot of money to spend

- I had nobody to go with

- There were people here that I wasn’t willing to leave like my grandpa, I mean what if he was dead when I got back?

I could go on like this but I’m completely aware that it is all a lie. I could have taken a break from school and worked for a while to make some money. Nobody wanted to come with me? Then why not going alone. There’s just one thing which is actually true: there is someone here that I’m really not ready to leave.

Some people say that we should live as if we were going to die the following day. I don’t really share their point of view. We have to take into consideration that we might be still alive the day after tomorrow. And if I got bankrupt to fly to Honolulu it could be a problem then. So call me a killjoy but I’ve never been able to live unconsciously. Maybe I’m lying to myself again.

There are some things in my life that I really enjoyed doing. Painting is one of them. I tried about two years ago because I felt inspired. The funny thing is that I’ve always liked impressionist paintings like those of Monet or Van Gogh but mines were the total opposite. They were a fire work of colors and probably had only a sense for me. I learned that even if the accomplished work seems pretty easy to complete, in fact it represents hours of hard work. Although, spending hours on my canvas has never been a problem, on the contrary it was a source of pleasure. I could have spend hours and hours on my work without even eating or sleeping because I was so eager to reach what I had in mind and it was such a torture to wait for the paint to dry!

After four or five paintings, I stopped. I felt like I was spent. All the inspiration had gone away and I wasn’t able to paint just for the sake of painting. Besides, when you have already done pretty good things, you become really scared not to be as good as you were. I like staying on a positive touch. It’s like when I play tennis, I can’t stop playing on a fault. I guess everybody is willing to be remembered for their best and not for the flop they did one day. Unfortunately, people have this bad tendency to forget the good and memorize the bad. I prefer not to risk myself doing a flop.

When I’ve got an idea, I get really enthusiastic about it but in general I need someone to encourage me so here is how I work: I start my work then expose it to someone’s opinion (I don’t choose the critic randomly) and if not rejected I go on even more enthusiastic. I need to submit my project to a particular person at the very beginning because I couldn’t stand a bad critic once I have put all my heart and soul in my work. I’m aware that a real artist doesn’t work that way. He doesn’t care about any opinions and has no limits. That’s why his work is so beautiful and true. He did it without any ulterior motives which could denature his work.

6.

I am used to get up very early when everything is still asleep. Nature reaches its highest form of beauty in the morning. The sun is already burning but it is softened by the fresh dew and I love observing the drops on vegetables. The sea is quiet, not yet disturbed by people, no footprints on the fine sand. I open the dance by diving and look at the fish shoal who are running away from me.

Nature and man always encountered problems to cohabit. Man have enough difficulty to live together that they forget about the rest. Nowadays, people are suddenly becoming green friendly and they will tell you how bad nuclear centrals are for our planet and that you should definitely sort your rubbish. But before they had no problems with throwing everything in one dustbin, so why now? It is not because out of the blue they realized that their behaviour was noxious towards the environment but only because they understood that our planet won’t serve them anymore so they have to take it into account otherwise it will kill them.

We act on things when they are getting very alarming, in case of emergency or if we have no other choices. Considering that dying is quite an alarming situation, I decided that some things had to be said.

7.

From the moment I was out, I was already sweating. It was six o’clock but the sun was burning as if it was two. When I arrived in front of her building I was relieved to come accross someone who was getting out because I was terrible at memorizing door codes. I wasn’t feeling like going up the four floors because of the heat so I decided to use the lift. It was a very old one, the kind in which you’re afraid to get stuck.

I survived the lift and headed her apartment. She had left her bike outside the door, linked to a chair with a padlock. I hesitated and rang.

She didn’t seem surprised to see me. She was wearing the same multi colors dress as this morning that would fit to anyone else but her. Her matt complexion allowed her to look well even in her saddest days but her eyes betrayed her: they were bloodshot but greener than ever.

She invited me to come in with a shy smile but once in, she broke down in my arms and burst into sobs.

It was the first time that she was so close to me and I was afraid to touch her. I gently stroke her hair; they were smelling coconut, probably her conditioner which gives her this beautiful long straight dark hair. I was happy and angry at the same time.

“Please don’t leave me, please…” Her voice was shaking.

“You never asked me to be with you.” I snapped back.

I felt awful saying that while she was crying but I truly meant it.

“How could you say that? I asked you, this morning…”

I cut her short:

“Only because I’m going to die. In fact, do you know what really kills me? It is that I love you in a way that you probably can’t imagine and if you were feeling even one shred of what I feel for you, you would have been the one knocking at my door.”

There was a silence and I saw in her face that she was really sorry.

At this very moment, when I least expected it, she kissed me. Suddenly I felt alive and I thought I could have lived on that kiss forever.

I realized how big my mistake was.

8.

He’s dead. It’s been four months now. But two days after he died I received a letter from him, I immediately recognized his handwriting. I thought I was dreaming and I practically died opening it. It was a series of notes he wrote on different kind of papers, some were on a piece of newspaper, others on post-it notes. There was no date but it seemed to be in chronological order, at least I could testify it for the first and the last paper. It was a great shock to me to go through what happened again. I was angry against him, against the government. But I think he gave this to me not to hurt me but because he thought I’d be the best person to know what to do with it. At first, I thought it was too personal to be read by anyone else but then I realized it was about something that affects everyone: Love.